Phouse
by Robin Raephe
Summary: Slash between House and Dr. Phill.


This is for all you slash lovers out there… Today is your day to let your fantasies run wild.

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PHOUSE

"It makes no sense. Her symptoms are all wrong. Her blood doesn't match her kidneys… Unless she has something tricking her kidneys into malfunction… But we're looking at all organs now and Eureka… I managed to make a whole chain of reason up to my first premise. I've taken 15 years of practice and mashed it all up in a circular chain!

Should have done sculpture work instead...Ah, damn leg… I'd cut you up were it not bring me more pain. Need to sit down.

There's no way I'm gonna figure this out without some Endearing Diagnostic, your soap for thought – let's see what that blonde who is hypercondriac for pregnancy is up to now, maybe her g. of a lover will finaly die with cardiac arrest from his hallmark heart. Ah… I love T.V. Its always so full of treasures for the spirit… All the mating habits of the dung beetle followed by an evangelical preacher… Better train of reason than mine…

Ah, ha! Dr. Phil. T.V's best! "Beaten for life"… Sounds lovely. Must be a Freudian analysis on my tivo recording of last night… I'll substitute the hot mom-not-to-be with Cuddy and the steroid jar-head with Foreman and make up the story along. There... I'm sure that will produce a nice idea… Oh…My head is killing me. I really must stop overstimulating my brain with thought. Lets hear the sweet calm sound of a mother despairing for her argumentative kid… Uhm…"

"Excuse me. May I come in?"

Huh? Are you… Are you?

"Sure am, Dr. Phil. And I'm here to help ya out, son" (shakes hands and winks an eye)

What in Holy Vishnu are you doing here? I don't remember ordering a psycoanalysis! You must be looking for the hospice next door.

"He, he! No son, I'm here cuz your best friend called me in"

Wilson?

"Yeah, a Wilson fellow. He's a good guy ya know, friends like that should be kept and treasured like house keys"

Why you? (Wilson's concept of "prank" is going to change…)

"I got the most credentials. I'm you... but in psychology. He,he…And you know. Good cars are the ones who run faster, closer to the road, and safer"

Scarry parallel universe. Right… And I suppose he wants me to stop my work and find my inner child..

"Hehe, you're funny, son… We'll talk about that in a jive. No, he thinks you're miserable, and I videotaped you even (and specially) in your most private moments and I agree. I'm here to help ya out… give a hand… I hope"

That's a mighty big hand you have there on my shoulder, but this here under is a big cane and I know how to use it!

"I'm sure you do, I've seen how well you use… it"

Well love to chat sexual ennuendos over some cheap self help proverbs but I got a person to save before lunch.

"No buddy you'll stay"

Woa there, just cuz I'm crippled doesn't mean I don't have a fully functional legged mind!

"Than why do ya take these? (point's to vicodin pill bottle) This is some serious business, siree. You could get yourself killed or even kill someone else drivin on these."

I need those for my pain.

"Do ya?..."

God!! How long have you your hand on my thigh??

"For a while, son. You see, studies have shown…"

That you just got yourself a law suit! Stop! Stop caressing me! Out!

"What you gonna do with that cane, big boy?"

WHAT??

"Well now your leg is fine… With my massage... I said...What are you… gonna do with... it?"

I'm gonna stick it up your rectum until your prostrate bleeds!!!

"Are you… Then do it! I want to feel it hurt… Hmm…" (His bum is actually quite delicious… What?? Oh, how I want to fondle his big bum… WHAT??? I… Look at his eyes so deeply blue, god, I can loose my self in his iris… God!!! He's so "shrinkly" smart… And his bald head, probably caused by stupendously high levels of androgen… I want to lick it like a bad behaved boy! I'm bad and he knows it!!!)

"And I like it so"

(Calm down House, JUST FREAKIN'CALM DOWN!! This is just a bad reaction to vicodin and e's… Easy now, easy… easy boy…

Oh…Don't look at me that way… God… And his mouth, don't bite your lower lip … Oh his mouth and his moustache… Oh… He could do such mischief with it on me… STOP! STOP! Just think… What causes sarcoidosis??

"There's no use denying it, House… Feel my wrinkled brow… Yes, you want me… I'm your big nurse… and I wanna give an injection… of love"

Oh, his kiss… Oh I LOVE YOU, DR. PHIL, I LOVE YOU!! LET ME PENETRATE YOU WITH MY CANE!!!

----/wakes up/----

CUDDY: House! what the!…

HOUSE:This is not what it sounded like, Cuddy. It was a nightmare.

CUDDY: DR PHIL??? "Penetrate with my cane???" URGH… House. NO MORE TV OR VICODIN! Jesus! I'm in chock…

You are genial, don't get me wrong. I adore you. Respect you. I indulge in every idiossincracy you want or rule you wish to break. But what I've seen today!... You've gone too far!! I mean the meds have made you… SICK!

This places me in the position to demand. And I'll blackmail you if you disobey me! To demand you detox yourself immediately because you are… really.. sick! (leaves the room.)

(House runs after her and yells from his office's door to the corridor that she's pacing down)

HOUSE: But, after this dream ITS OBVIOUS I loathe therapy!!!

(Cuddy stops and angrily paces towards him. When she get's close she leans into his ear and in a fury, whispers:)

CUDDY: Specially after this… Your having wet dreams with Dr. Phil!!! URGH!!!… (and leans back and states trying to sound matter-of-fact) You are past all the wildest fantasies. You are in porn OD.... Clearly.

HOUSE: Yes… I know… But just try picturing him in a naughty college outfit…

CUDDY:HOOUSE!!! OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (she leaves)

HOUSE: (whispered) If it was Oprah you'd understand…

CUDDY: (still pacing down the corridor) I heard that!!


End file.
